LOSS

              Nikki sat alone in the emergency room. Hana had already been taken away by a doctor. Nikki stared at the floor in a daze. He blinked through tears; his expression clearly showing fear and sorrow. His mind raced. “What if she’s really hurt?” he thought. “What if our baby is hurt? What if it has to be delivered prematurely and gets really sick?” He began to cry. “Please… Please let our baby be ok…”

               He put his head in his hands. A heavy black cast wrapped around his hand and forearm. It continued up his elbow and ended at his upper arm. His body was weak and rife with fresh bruises and scrapes, though he had been given drugs for pain so he felt none of it. He felt tired. He sniffled and sat upright, wiping away his tears. He let out a quivering sigh.

               A nurse called his name, catching his attention in the otherwise quiet room. Her voice sounded flat and uninterested. “Nicholas? Son, we’ve called your parents to come pick you up but there was no answer. We left a message on the machine.” Nikki’s heart sank. “Where is Hana? The girl I came here with, how is she?” The nurse shook her head. “She’s in the middle of a procedure. I can let you know as soon as she comes out of the anesthesia.” Nikki made a startled face. “Anesthesia…?” He tried to ask the nurse to elaborate, but she had already gone.

               Nikki paced the quiet waiting room for what seemed like forever. The pain medicine he had been administered was taking a toll on him, and he felt dizzy and heavy. Exhausted, he finally sat down in one of the many identical chairs. He leaned his head against the wall and sighed. He fought to stay awake as the drugs slowly weighed his eyelids down.

               “I feel so weird…” he thought. “This medicine is really messing with me.” He sighed again. His head was spinning. He noticed how heavy and dreamy he felt, almost as if he were asleep and awake at the same time. “I hate to admit it, but it’s actually not bad though…” He closed his eyes, letting himself relax. He felt a sort of strange numbness all over. He argued with himself, dully trying to deny that he actually liked the feeling. He eventually gave in and slowly took in the deep calmness that filled his body.

               He opened his eyes sleepily as he realized someone was talking to him. He wasn’t sure if he had drifted off to sleep, or how long he had been sitting there. He had been feeling so peaceful he didn’t notice the nurse approach him. “Do you want to see her?” she asked. “I can take you to her room.” Nikki was confused for a moment. He shook his head, trying to clear the fuzzy feeling that filled it. “Ah, Hana!” He sat upright in the chair. “Please, take me to her.” He stood up quickly and a wave of dizziness and slight nausea came over him. He was a little unsteady on his feet for a moment, he quickly trotted down the hall after the nurse.

               She lead him down a winding corridor, past many doors with large signs indicating what could be going on behind each one. Radiology. X-Ray. CT Scan. She finally brought him to a large elevator with extra wide doors to accommodate wheelchairs and hospital beds. Nikki stepped inside and stared at the distorted reflection of himself, awkwardly staring back at him from the elevator wall. As the elevator jolted into movement, he felt a strong pang of sickness in his stomach. He held the back of his hand against his mouth in case he vomited. He looked away from the dizzying reflection of himself, staring instead at his stylish, overpriced shoes that Hana had given him for his birthday.

               The elevator jerked to a halt and the wide doors opened slowly. The nurse guided Nikki down the hall into a dark, silent room. Nikki peeked his head inside. Hana lie asleep on the bed in the center of the room. Nikki stepped further into the room and closed the door behind him, walking cautiously as if the slightest sound would shatter the oppressive silence. He crept up to Hana’s bedside, looking down at her sleeping figure with pity. Even in sleep, her thin face looked weary and pained. Her makeup was smeared from where she had been crying.

               Nikki quietly pulled a chair over and sat down beside her. He rested his casted hand on the bed and locked his fingers with hers. He stroked her hair gently, brushing stray strands out of her face. He put his head down on the bed and sighed. “This is all my fault.” he thought. “Hana… I’m so sorry…” he whispered, his voice heavy with sadness.

                 He was startled by a sudden noise outside of the room. He heard the shrill voice of Hana's mother in the hall. He froze, listening closely. “Is she alright?” An unfamiliar voice answered. “It must be a doctor.” Nikki thought. “Your daughter is going to be fine. Unfortunately, she had a nasty fall today. The impact caused the fetus to become detached from the uterine wall. We call this ‘placental abruption.’ I am sorry to tell you that in this situation, the fetus did not survive, but your daughter is recovering well and should be awake any time. We’d like to keep her a few nights just to keep an eye on her.”

               Nikki felt like he’d been hit by a truck. “My baby… did not survive?” He was stricken with grief. He shook his head, refusing to believe what he had heard. Tears poured from his dark eyes, and he trembled pathetically as he sobbed. “No… it can’t be…” he cried. He begged no one in particular, pleading for his child’s life. “Please, please, it can’t be true…”

               The sound of his weeping drew attention to his presence, and the door opened forcefully. Hana’s parents stood in the doorway. Nikki looked up at them, tears still running down his pale cheeks. A choking sob escaped his throat. Hana’s father twisted his face in anger to see him sitting there. “What are you doing here?” he asked spitefully. “Get away from her!”

               Nikki sat in the chair, trembling and looked down at the floor. He couldn’t bring any thoughts to the front of his mind. Tears dripped onto the smooth tile. Hana's mother scoffed. “What are you crying for? This is truly a blessing. Do you really think my daughter would have wasted her life being a housewife for some freakshow, minimum wage accident like you? I hate to break it to you, but it would have never worked out.” Nikki barely heard her vicious words.
             Seeing that Nikki was not paying attention, Hana’s father moved forward and jerked him forcefully out of his seat. “Can't you see this is all your fault? Why don’t you get out of here before you cause any more damage? Don't you know you're not wanted? Go on, get!” 

       He shoved him toward the open door. Nikki stumbled to his knees in the hallway. He struggled to find words, but was at a loss. He looked up to see Hana’s father slam the door rudely in his face. Nikki climbed to his feet and angrily smashed his fists against the door. Pain shot through his injured arm, causing him to cry out. He turned around and leaned against the door. He clutched his arm, sobbing.
                  Nikki felt paralyzed. His mind was racing and numb at the same time. Like a zombie, staring at the floor and still halfheartedly gripping his broken arm, he made his way back to the waiting room. He slumped down into a chair, totally lost. He leaned his head against the wall, and hot, silent tears fell from the corners of his narrow eyes. He sighed a heavy, quivering sigh.

               “There you are!” A sharp voice whipped through the hall. Nikki looked up, startled. His heart sank as he saw his stepfather stomping toward him. “Let’s go, get your ass in the car.” Nikki hesitated for a moment, then slowly forced himself onto his feet and started moving reluctantly forward. Ken glared at him with palpable contempt.
           Nikki followed him to the car. Each heavy step took every bit of his willpower. The two sat in silence through the seemingly endless drive home. Nikki could see that Ken's jaw was clenched in anger. He reeked of alcohol. Nikki wondered how anyone in the hospital could have missed the stench. He wondered if they might get lucky and both die in a car crash tonight. He sighed.
                    Looking out the window at the blackness whipping past them, Nikki leaned his head against the cold glass. He knew what awaited him when the car stopped, but all he could think about was Hana.